W.A.L.T recall events through the eyes of an animal.
Success Criteria
I know I will be successful when my recount has a
- Title
- Orientation: When? Who? Where? Why?
- Sequence of events: What happened?
- Personal Comment: How did the events make you feel?
First draft
The Calf's No good Very Bad Day
Today is a great day to go for a stroll in the african savanna for october, don't you think baby calf. I said “ok” and we went to the river but I could see something. Dad roared out run!!. My mum,dad,brother,sister,and grandma all ran fast. I was left i was in the water and i could feel a bite on my back it was a crocodile playing tug of war with me and the lions too. My herds coming i can see them. Then mum and dad , cousins,brother,uncles,aunts, and grandma came i felt great in my half bitten stomach.They rumed them of to the other side they told me to “run towards them”. but a lion got in front of me my Dad bumped him off so everything was ok. I was back in the herd and happier than ever the end.
My dads walking he stops, looks around then smells the ground for clues. He tells three of us to run there's a pack of lions, run!. Suddenly i can feel a huge bite on my neck my dad and friends have run away. I’m in the water there's a crocodile pulling me their playing tug of war with me. The lions clamped my skin pulling harder and harder the lions win. I'm screaming for help i can smell something, something like my herd. I see my herd the lions just took a bite out of me i bet, it was good because there likin there lips. Boom!! That's all i could hear, my friends rammed all the lions away my dad saved me its so good not to be pulled and eaten thank you dad for saving me i said. The end.
ReplyDeleteGood job Nature.
I liked how you tried your best at your work.
Maybe next time you could add comers and others like theses !?.,’ to your work.
And maybe you could make sure you're not doing the action at the start since your first part of action is at the start. and your action is starting all over again on your second pice of work.like how you did your dads roaring out and you get bite in the water and in the action it starts from the start that he roars out. And in your first one the actions already in there and the actions in the second one two And maybe you could add some words in your work like fleshy and furious to spice it up to make it more exciting.
I like how you put good words in like clamped.keep the great work up, and remember to put your ?! into your work.
Fantastic work Nature that is a really good post. I like part when you said I felt like I have a half bitten stomach. I saw few mistakes. First that you should do is put space after commas and dots. Second make the ‘’I’’ capital and final one and you are missing punctuations and more capital letters. One more I think some part does not make sense and the second part of your draft does not make sense because you have done the attack part at the first part of your draft, but any ways I like it.
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ReplyDeleteWell done Nature,I liked the part when you said "Dad roared out run". When I read your story I saw lower case I's instead of upper case. But I really liked your story.
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